Please feel free to watch along with me:
The video begins with a shot of Alicia in a Catholic school girl uniform, picking a wedgie. Wow, I mean if you start off there, you are kind of setting unattainably high standards for the rest of the video.
Alicia heads into the girls' bathroom so that she can climb out the window, get her skirt stuck on the window frame, and give everyone a nice shot of her weird, vintage granny panties. And maybe everyone was so stuck on the wedgie and the pantaloons that they didn't notice the typo on the bathroom door. It really should not have an apostrophe.
She heads to her car, which is now a newer model Mustang convertible. I guess her parents decided to reward her with new wheels after she abandoned her dad's classic Mustang on the side of the road in the Cryin' video. Now you may be thinking, "How do you know this is the same character?" but you should just shut your trap for right now, because there is subtle but irrefutable proof later in the video.
Oh and it's important to mention that there is a quick shot here of Joe Perry attempting to impersonate Slash. He's not doing a very good job.
Liv Tyler, also clad in school girl attire, jumps into the passenger's seat. The awesome thing about convertibles is that you never have to use the doors. In fact, why don't you just go ahead and solder them shut because you're never going to look cool getting into a convertible by opening the door. I guess the downside is that it will be hard to get in if the top is up, but maybe you should have thought of that before you moved to whatever rainy climate you live in, huh?
Liv rips up what appears to be her student ID, and Alicia throws her class ring out of the car. That's a real eff you to the school, right? That'll show 'em. They remove their uniforms as they provocatively sing along to Aerosmith on the car stereo, which is of course creepy as hell because Liv is Steven Tyler's daughter. But that's only a taste of the uncomfortableness (yes, it's a word) to come.
It should also be noted that Alicia is not a very good driver. Evidence:
"Weeeeeee!"
They drive and drive until it is night time, at which point they decide to stop at the shadiest gas station ever. Someone call the FBI because this guy likes to ogle teenage girls.
Inside the gas station mini-mart, there is a stoned kid behind the counter who encourages Alicia to steal whatever she wants. First she takes a pair of sunglasses. OK, cool, you might need those. And yeah why don't you go ahead and swipe a few more pairs, just in case.
In total, Liv and Alicia steal:
4 pairs of sunglasses
1 loaf of bread
3 candy bars
1 pinwheel
1 comic book
These girls suck at running away. What about water? Or at least booze? Come on, ladies.
To reward the clerk for letting them steal a bunch of worthless crap, they take topless photos in the photo booth for him. I can tell they were topless because of his reaction to the photos:
"Whoa, duuuuude!"
Oh and I forgot to mention my irrefutable proof that Alicia is portraying the same character as in the Cryin' video. Look, same patchwork purse that Sawyer tried to steal in the Cryin' video. Zing! It's sort of hard to see, but I swear it's the same bag.
Then they magically stumble across a club that is having amateur night with a prize of $500. They decide to do the classic "one girl dress up as a guy in a suit and the other girl strip down to her silver bra and bell bottoms" routine.
I am pretty sure it's a strip club, but it appears to be strip karaoke because Liv insists on singing along with her dad while she works the pole.
For the record, Liv was 17 when this video came out. According to Wikipedia, the director cast her based on her award-winning performance in a Pantene commercial and had no idea that she was Steven Tyler's daughter. OK fine, but you would think at some point one of them would mention it, right? "Oh, by the way, that's my dad and this video is getting kind of gross, especially when you cut between shots of me stripping and my dad singing." I guess it never came up.
Of course they win the contest with their teenage lesbian antics (I wonder if Alicia was mad that she had to be the one in the suit? Maybe she wants to strip once in a while?). With their prize winnings they get a motel room. Good thing they won the contest money because it turns out you cannot rent a motel room with four pairs of sunglasses, a loaf of bread, three candy bars, a pinwheel, and a comic book. I've tried.
The next morning, they get back on the road. Then they run across this guy driving a tractor, so they do the logical thing and invite him to go skinny dipping with them. I know they've learned about stranger danger in school, but look at that muscle definition!
The farmer boy leaves the tractor running, because you can do that, and then they all go down to the old swimmin' hole. Liv and Alicia get into the nasty brown water first, and then farmer boy gets in. After he removes his jeans in the water, Alicia and Liv get back in the car and make him run after them naked. Really dude? They already made you look like an ass, and presumably this is your farm and your swimmin' hole. Maybe you should just find your jeans and get on with the plowing?
Well it doesn't matter anyway because they slow down and let him jump in the front seat. And this is the face Liv makes when a wet, naked stranger wants to get in the front seat with her:
And dude may be hot and all, but he picks his nose in front of girls. Check it:
They drop farmer boy off by his tractor, which has miraculously spelled out the word "Crazy" in cursive. This is where M. Night Shyamalan got the idea for Signs.
The video ends when they see this hitchhiking parachuter by the side of the road, and decide not to pick him up, which pisses him off.
Now that I'm thinking about it, I think this might be the dude from the Amazing video. Yeah it's definitely Jason London in spandex. Which is why I guess I should have done these videos chronologically after all. Oh well.
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