Monday, January 31, 2011

Things Colleen Can't Really Do

About a year ago, I received a frantic 1:00 a.m. voicemail from my little sister. Thinking it might be something important (e.g., car accident, burglary, flesh-eating bacteria), I listened to the message right away, apparently deemed it not worthy of coming to complete consciousness for, and fell back asleep. It wasn't until late afternoon the next day that I remembered the call at all. Luckily, I had the presence of mind, even in my half-asleep state, to have saved the message for later enjoyment:
"Emmie! Oh my God! I have human echolocation! I was trying to fall asleep, and I started tapping on my pillow, and I realized I could SEE my fingers moving, even though my eyes were covered! Okay, bye!"
Yes, apparently, Colleen had discovered that she has the same abilities as a bat -- or to be more specific, as superhero Daredevil, as masterfully portrayed by Ben Affleck in the 2003 film of the same name. (Incidentally, why wouldn't Batman have echolocation instead? Doesn't that make a lot more sense?)

I'm not suggesting that human echolocation is impossible. In fact, prior to Colleen's discovery, I had seen a really fascinating video about a teenager who had lost his eyes as a toddler, but is able to "see" by making a series of clicking noises with his tongue. This kid is amazing.



My sister is amazing too, in other ways... like she makes a really good grilled cheese sandwich. She does not, however, have the talent of human echolocation. In my opinion, anyway. I'm sure she'll have something to say when she sees this post. But do we really believe that the girl who claims that she is a Tuvan throat singer also has echolocational abilities? I think not.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Jury Duty, Part II

I take back everything I said earlier today. Jury duty sucks! So very hard! I'm going to be without access to my phone or the Internet for like eight hours a day FOR FIVE DAYS!!!!! It is NOTHING like Law & Order! Law & Order only last for one hour tops, unless it's a marathon on TNT, and then it could easily last for up to eight hours, but at least you can lounge on your couch in PJ's eating leftover Chinese food during a Law & Order marathon. I don't think they would take kindly to that in the jury box. But I will leave you with this: I should have worn the hard hat/alpaca sweater/feather boa/no pants outfit. I would have been dismissed immediately. They totally judged us based on our interpretation of "important business meeting" clothes, and those that didn't pass muster got dismissed. For example, the old woman with the prison tattoos on her hands, and the man wearing sweatpants and a tie-dye bandanna. Geniuses. Lucky bastard geniuses.

Jury Duty!

The moment I have been waiting for since the day I turned 18 has finally arrived: I have been selected for jury duty! I know a lot of people bitch about getting summoned, but I am super excited. Maybe it's my addiction to Law & Order reruns, or my unabashed admiration for Judge Judy -- whatever the reason, I am totally psyched to fulfill my civic duty.

The only issue I'm having is deciding what to wear. And this is a problem, particularly because I have to be there in less than two hours, and I'm sitting on the couch with wet hair, in my pajamas. Luckily, however, the back of the summons that I received in the mail provides some guidance.
Q: What is the dress code for jurors?
A: Appropriate attire for jurors is clothing that would be worn for an important business meeting.
I love this answer for many reasons, not least of which is that is just simply sounds ridiculous. Why couldn't they have just said, "Dress in business attire"? That's still kind of vague I suppose, but the phrase "important business meeting" just makes me giggle. What if I am a construction worker, or a Vegas showgirl, or an alpaca herder? It stands to reason that business meeting attire for each of these professions would vary significantly. Or what if I am a former showgirl who now herds alpacas, and does construction on the side? The only appropriate outfit in that case would be a feather boa, a hard hat, and an alpaca-fur sweater. With no pants.

Unfortunately for me, I don't own any of those items [mental note: buy feather boa ASAP], so I am just going to wear my normal work clothes. But I am really, really hoping that some of the other jurors take a little creative license with their attire choices today. I'll let you know how it goes.

A jury of your peers

Monday, January 24, 2011

Capes vs. Cloaks: A Case Study

For a while now, I've been in the market for a cape. You don't see them very often, but I really think it would amp up my fashion game. I can just picture how good I will look with my sassy cape blowing in the breeze.

But then last night I got to thinking: why a cape? Why not a cloak? A cloak is basically the same as a cape only with more fabric, plus a hood. You can't go wrong with hoods. Cloaks also conceal weapons and keep you warm. Therefore, a cloak is both stylish AND utilitarian. Not to mention, cloaks are more magical, whereas capes are mostly just for superheroes. Superheroes only get to pick one or two super powers, but if you are magical, then you basically have the entire world of super powers at your disposal.

Yes, cloaks were definitely sounding pretty good. But then, I made a handy chart detailing who wears capes versus who wears cloaks. Take a gander.


Fig. 1: Capes vs. Cloaks

Everything was pushing me towards Team Cloak, until I got to Liberace.


Fig. 2: TA-DAAAAAA!

I totally forgot about bedazzled capes. And you know what? I've never seen a sparkly cloak. So I'm really on the fence here. I think the only solution to this conundrum is to get a cloak and bedazzle the hell out of it. Seriously. Best of both worlds.
You know what my cloak is going to have? Tons of f*cking sequins. True story.


So as soon as I learn how to sew, I will post an update on my bedazzled cloak progress. It's going to be pretty epic, if I do say so myself. I wonder if I can just use a glue gun?

Friday, January 21, 2011

Emmie's Field Guide to North American Tiny Mammals

A couple weeks ago, I was talking to Matt on the phone while I was on my way to work when the important subject of chipmunks came up. Or to be more specific, chipmunk tails. I no longer recall the context of the conversation, but that's not important. What is important is that it was immediately apparent that Matt did not know what a chipmunk's tail looks like. Picture it in your mind. Think of a chipmunk's tail. Got it? Okay. Matt foolishly claimed that a chipmunk's tail was "sort of fluffy and about three inches long." HA!

"You're clearly thinking of a squirrel," I told him. "Chipmunks have little tiny tails, and the fur flicks out in kind of a V-shape."

I thought for sure that he would change his tune once I explained the truth, but he stuck by his ridiculous opinion that chipmunks have long, fluffy tails. I calmly explained that I could envision a chipmunk's tail very clearly in my mind, and to further bolster my argument, I told him about the time that I picked up a possibly rabid chipmunk and held him in my hand for a few minutes before he put the entire tip of my middle finger into his mouth and bit down.

"So basically, I have had much more experience with chipmunks than you, so I am an authority on this subject." I might have also called him an idiot, but I'm not sure.

As soon as I got to work, I headed to Google so that I could prove him wrong once and for all. And let me tell you: I was shocked and dismayed by what I found there. Picture after picture of chipmunks with LONG, FLUFFY TAILS. You think I'm crazy? Take a look.



At first I thought, well this must be some kind of special species of long-tailed chipmunk. Regular chipmunks have the little flicky tails that I imagined in my head. Well, let me assure you, after a good half hour of Wikipedia research, I am confident in saying there is no such chipmunk living in this part of the country that is tailless. It appeared that even Alvin and the Chipmunks had rather bushy tails. WHO KNEW??

I was totally baffled. It had been SO CLEAR in my mind. The cute, little wisp of a tail. Where had that image come from?! After scrolling through a few more pages of Google Images, I found out exactly where it came from:

AHA! Jiminy Christmas, that was it! That was the exact tail I had in my mind! Effing Disney strikes again. They had poisoned my mind to such an extent that not only I was utterly convinced that chipmunks had tiny little tails, but I was also certain that I had seen them that way in nature. Disney is SO good at mind control, that you don't even know when you've been brainwashed. Amazing job, Walt, seriously.

So I admitted to Matt that I was wrong, and I apologized for perhaps, possibly calling him an idiot. But I just couldn't get over the feeling that my whole world-view had been knocked out of whack. I mean, if I was that certain about chipmunk tails, and I was that far off, what other things am I "certain" about that are actually untrue??? THINK ABOUT IT. Mind = blown.

And for the record, I asked several friends what they thought a chipmunk's tail looked like, and they all described it the same way that I had been imagining. How Matt became immune to Disney's mind control, we'll never know. Particularly since he has been to Disney World twice, and I have been zero times, as he likes to remind me on a near-weekly basis.

I'm not dead

Apologies for the lack of posts in the past several months. You see what had happened was... I was kidnapped by a gang of... Swedish chimney sweeps, yeah that's the ticket. And they forced me to live in Sweden with them the past 5 months or so, and I had to subsist on a diet of IKEA meatballs and 24-hour ABBA. And then finally I escaped and came home and decided to update my blog. Aren't you glad? New posts to come soon. xo.