Beards, explained

After landing in Jamaica for our honeymoon, Matt and I boarded a bus to take us from the airport to the resort. There were about six other couples on the bus with us and every one had also gotten married the previous Saturday and had come to Jamaica for their honeymoon. In fact, I think I was the only girl on the bus that wasn't wearing a bedazzled "Bride" tank top. Who told them that was appropriate travel attire?

Anyway, during two separate occasions -- once at a shack on the side of the road (where the bus driver had stopped so we could buy overpriced Red Stripe), and once when we first got to the hotel -- Matt was the first person to be approached by authentic Jamaican drug dealers looking to sell pot to stupid American tourists. I couldn't understand why both guys singled Matt out as the guy to sell to; everyone on the bus was in their mid to late twenties (OK fine, we're 30, but we look really good), and everyone seemed ready for a good time. So why Matt first? Then it hit me: Matt was the only guy on the bus with a beard.

A few months ago I saw this chart, demonstrating the trustworthiness of beards. Ignoring the fact that it is a total rip-off of the Facial Hair Cool Spectrum(TM) that I invented over 5 years ago, I'd like to challenge the trustworthiness of the full beard. I mean sure, a full beard is always better than a Hitler mustache, but just because Jesus, Santa Claus and my dad (all good men) have full beards doesn't mean that every full beard = trustworthiness. Charles Manson? Not very trustworthy.

This isn't to say that Matt is untrustworthy of course -- but maybe trustworthiness isn't the first thing his beard connotes. Just because two bearded men are both trustworthy does not mean that their beards tell the same story. For example, Ulysses S. Grant and my husband could both be considered trustworthy (depending on who you ask, I suppose), but Ulysses' beard says "I defended the Union and later became president," while Matt's beard, at least according to half the population of Jamaica, says "I like to party!"

I'm going to create a new chart, titled "What Does Your Beard Say?" and it will be much more accurate than that stupid trustworthiness scale.