Now that I've learned about Colleen's aversion to the word "nipple" I've been unable to stop using it. And the best part is that we are driving to Cape Cod this weekend for our cousin's wedding. She is going to love spending 20+ total hours in a car with me.
To: Colleen
From: Emmie
Subject: Roadtrip
I was thinking that we should bring some snacks on our trip. I got some of these. Is that ok?
To: Emmie
From: Colleen
Subject: Re: Roadtrip
You are sooooo funny.
To: Colleen
From: Emmie
Subject: Cape Cod
I know you haven't been there in a while, so you probably don't remember the weather... but you should really bring a sweater. It tends to get quite nippy at night.
To: Emmie
From: Colleen
Subject: Re: Cape Cod
shut upppppppp. god this is going to be as bad as the air thing [note: this is in reference to a childhood road trip to Cape Cod in which Colleen got a stomach ache from eating too many Air Crisps, and then insisted that no one in the car say the word "air" for the duration of the trip. You can imagine how well that went for her.]
To: Colleen
From: Emmie
Subject: Re: Re: Cape Cod
Colleen don't be ridiculous. We're adults now, and that was a long time ago. Say, how much make-up are you bringing with you? I might need to borrow some nipstick.
To: Emmie
From: Colleen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Cape Cod
shut it! nipple nipple nipple nipple nipple. there. it's my favorite word ever.
She thinks that will put an end to my comedy routine, but she's so very wrong. I'm going to spend the next 24 hours thinking of more nipple jokes. And if she's lucky, I might even throw in some poo poo jokes. This kind of humor is really above some people. That's why they call it highbrow.
My friend sent me a link to one of those website with pictures of crazy tattoos, and I immediately took a shine to this one:
I'm not sure why I love it so much, but the look on that giraffe's face really makes me happy. Thinking that everyone would share my love for the tattoo, I showed the photo to my sister.
Colleen: That tattoo is disgusting. me: I like it. Why is it disgusting? Colleen: It's licking his nipple... and its face looks like he's really into it. me: That's his food. He's happy because he can JUST reach it with his tongue. me: It's like a nipple fruit on top of the tallest nipple tree. It's a metaphor, Colleen. Colleen: That's disgusting. me: Is the human body disgusting to you? Or do you just hate giraffes? Colleen: No, I just hate the word nipple. me: Do you hate actual nipples? Or just the word? Because the word nipple is not a part of that tattoo. Colleen: I hate the word and the giraffe licking it. me: Do you like giraffes? Colleen: Yes! Have you not seen Audra's picture of me kissing a giraffe in our house in Richmond? me: No, I haven't. Is it a real giraffe? Colleen: Yes, it was for a photo project. me: I'm confused. You would kiss a giraffe, but you would not let one lick your nipple? Colleen: Yes that's exactly correct. Please don't blog about this, I can't stand to read the world nipple more than necessary. me: Ok.
It's come to my attention that the mini-backpack from the Cryin' video and the patchwork purse from the Crazy video are not, in fact, the same. It turns out that I just got a little too excited about Aerosmith and it affected my vision. My apologies. But you know what? No one should own two patchwork bags anyway. It's weird.
Due to the wild success of my first video deconstruction of Aerosmith's Cryin', I thought it only appropriate to continue with the Alicia Silverstone theme, so our next stop is Crazy. I think chronologically, Amazing was actually the next Aerosmith/Silverstone collaboration, but that one is kind of lame, so I'm skipping right to Crazy.
Please feel free to watch along with me:
The video begins with a shot of Alicia in a Catholic school girl uniform, picking a wedgie. Wow, I mean if you start off there, you are kind of setting unattainably high standards for the rest of the video.
Alicia heads into the girls' bathroom so that she can climb out the window, get her skirt stuck on the window frame, and give everyone a nice shot of her weird, vintage granny panties. And maybe everyone was so stuck on the wedgie and the pantaloons that they didn't notice the typo on the bathroom door. It really should not have an apostrophe.
She heads to her car, which is now a newer model Mustang convertible. I guess her parents decided to reward her with new wheels after she abandoned her dad's classic Mustang on the side of the road in the Cryin' video. Now you may be thinking, "How do you know this is the same character?" but you should just shut your trap for right now, because there is subtle but irrefutable proof later in the video.
Oh and it's important to mention that there is a quick shot here of Joe Perry attempting to impersonate Slash. He's not doing a very good job.
Liv Tyler, also clad in school girl attire, jumps into the passenger's seat. The awesome thing about convertibles is that you never have to use the doors. In fact, why don't you just go ahead and solder them shut because you're never going to look cool getting into a convertible by opening the door. I guess the downside is that it will be hard to get in if the top is up, but maybe you should have thought of that before you moved to whatever rainy climate you live in, huh?
Liv rips up what appears to be her student ID, and Alicia throws her class ring out of the car. That's a real eff you to the school, right? That'll show 'em. They remove their uniforms as they provocatively sing along to Aerosmith on the car stereo, which is of course creepy as hell because Liv is Steven Tyler's daughter. But that's only a taste of the uncomfortableness (yes, it's a word) to come.
It should also be noted that Alicia is not a very good driver. Evidence:
"Weeeeeee!"
They drive and drive until it is night time, at which point they decide to stop at the shadiest gas station ever. Someone call the FBI because this guy likes to ogle teenage girls.
Inside the gas station mini-mart, there is a stoned kid behind the counter who encourages Alicia to steal whatever she wants. First she takes a pair of sunglasses. OK, cool, you might need those. And yeah why don't you go ahead and swipe a few more pairs, just in case.
In total, Liv and Alicia steal:
4 pairs of sunglasses
1 loaf of bread
3 candy bars
1 pinwheel
1 comic book
These girls suck at running away. What about water? Or at least booze? Come on, ladies.
To reward the clerk for letting them steal a bunch of worthless crap, they take topless photos in the photo booth for him. I can tell they were topless because of his reaction to the photos:
"Whoa, duuuuude!"
Oh and I forgot to mention my irrefutable proof that Alicia is portraying the same character as in the Cryin' video. Look, same patchwork purse that Sawyer tried to steal in the Cryin' video. Zing! It's sort of hard to see, but I swear it's the same bag.
Then they magically stumble across a club that is having amateur night with a prize of $500. They decide to do the classic "one girl dress up as a guy in a suit and the other girl strip down to her silver bra and bell bottoms" routine.
I am pretty sure it's a strip club, but it appears to be strip karaoke because Liv insists on singing along with her dad while she works the pole.
For the record, Liv was 17 when this video came out. According to Wikipedia, the director cast her based on her award-winning performance in a Pantene commercial and had no idea that she was Steven Tyler's daughter. OK fine, but you would think at some point one of them would mention it, right? "Oh, by the way, that's my dad and this video is getting kind of gross, especially when you cut between shots of me stripping and my dad singing." I guess it never came up.
Of course they win the contest with their teenage lesbian antics (I wonder if Alicia was mad that she had to be the one in the suit? Maybe she wants to strip once in a while?). With their prize winnings they get a motel room. Good thing they won the contest money because it turns out you cannot rent a motel room with four pairs of sunglasses, a loaf of bread, three candy bars, a pinwheel, and a comic book. I've tried.
The next morning, they get back on the road. Then they run across this guy driving a tractor, so they do the logical thing and invite him to go skinny dipping with them. I know they've learned about stranger danger in school, but look at that muscle definition!
The farmer boy leaves the tractor running, because you can do that, and then they all go down to the old swimmin' hole. Liv and Alicia get into the nasty brown water first, and then farmer boy gets in. After he removes his jeans in the water, Alicia and Liv get back in the car and make him run after them naked. Really dude? They already made you look like an ass, and presumably this is your farm and your swimmin' hole. Maybe you should just find your jeans and get on with the plowing?
Well it doesn't matter anyway because they slow down and let him jump in the front seat. And this is the face Liv makes when a wet, naked stranger wants to get in the front seat with her:
And dude may be hot and all, but he picks his nose in front of girls. Check it:
They drop farmer boy off by his tractor, which has miraculously spelled out the word "Crazy" in cursive. This is where M. Night Shyamalan got the idea for Signs.
The video ends when they see this hitchhiking parachuter by the side of the road, and decide not to pick him up, which pisses him off.
Now that I'm thinking about it, I think this might be the dude from the Amazing video. Yeah it's definitely Jason London in spandex. Which is why I guess I should have done these videos chronologically after all. Oh well.
If there's one thing in the world that makes me intensely uncomfortable, it's entering a public restroom that has a bathroom attendant. For the life of me I cannot figure out a) why they would ever be necessary, and b) why anyone would ever want that job. I think if given the choice between being a regular janitor and being a bathroom attendant, I would go janitor all the way. Sure, I might still have to clean toilets, but at least "sit awkwardly outside the stalls while people do their business" is not in my job description.
And of course the worst part of using a restroom with a bathroom attendant is that godawful tip jar. Why would I want to tip you for creeping me out? I actually feel that I should be the one getting the tip for having to pee while you are sitting outside the door next to your collection of lotions and stale mints. I can rip off my own paper towel, thanks.
On our way back from our honeymoon in Jamaica I had the misfortune of running into a bathroom attendant at the Charlotte International Airport. Are you kidding me? A bathroom attendant at an airport? There are so many things wrong with that I don't even know where to begin. Airport bathrooms are notoriously gross. You just need to get in and get out. Most people aren't going to be hanging out in there, testing out the latest Britney Spears fragrance.
The main problem with the bathroom attendant in Charlotte was that she was not even doing her job properly. The first stall I went into didn't have any toilet paper -- isn't replacing the toilet paper a major part of the bathroom attendant's job? That seems like a no-brainer. I left the first stall and walked into the second stall, which had a seat covered with pee. Once the attendant saw me emerging from a second stall looking angry, she directed me into a third stall that also had a pee-covered seat. I think I mumbled something like "But it's gross!" and then ran out of the bathroom without peeing. How does this girl have the gall to ask for tips when she can't even be bothered to restock the toilet paper or wipe pee off of seats?
In my haste to escape that awkward interaction, I had neglected to re-button my pants, which I had undone in the first stall. So now I'm walking through the airport with my pants undone. But I couldn't reach down and button them because it would look weird and creepy, and I couldn't go back into the bathroom because I didn't want to face that worthless bathroom attendant again, and I couldn't find another bathroom because our flight was about to board. So I was stuck in a precarious pants situation AND I still had to pee.
It wasn't a very long walk from the bathroom back to the gate where Matt was waiting, but even a short few steps can be traumatizing if your pants are undone in a public place. In addition to the fairly rational fear that my pants would fall down around my ankles, I was also terrified that security would notice my situation and mistakenly assume that I was trying to smuggle drugs or something in my pantaloons. You could say I'm a little bit paranoid even on a daily basis, so throw in the possibility of unintentionally mooning all of Terminal C AND getting strip-searched by a disgruntled airport cop, and I was really freaking out.
Almost immediately after I got back to our gate, they started boarding the plane. At least I had made it through the airport without incident. At that point I figured I'd just run with it, so I flew from Charlotte to National with my pants undone. It wasn't so bad once I was seated with my seat belt on. And by the time we got back to DC, my paranoia had dissipated a bit.
I tried to head to the bathroom after we landed, but there was this weird convention of old men milling around the hallway. I think they were war veterans. There were a lot of wheelchairs and a lot of slow-moving people in matching t-shirts. Anyway, they were congregating around the bathroom. Surprising, right? I didn't want to be that close to that many old people with my pants undone. It just didn't feel right. So I avoided the bathroom all together and just waited until I got home. Imagine how terrible it would have been if my pants had fallen down in front of all those old people? If that had happened, I would have calmly explained that it's not my fault that I'm flashing a group of elderly veterans. I'm not the anti-American one! Blame it on the bathroom attendant back in Charlotte who needs a little lesson in motivation.
Going back to my recent post challenging the Trustworthiness of Beards scale (i.e. Not all full beards are trustworthy. Why are you going to pigeonhole a facial hair style like that?), I'd like to expand on my argument with the "What Does Your Beard Say?" chart, as promised.
Please click the picture for a full-size version. Explanations below because I couldn't fit the whole thing in the chart. I worked very hard on this.
Beard 1: My husband Matt
His beard says: I like to party, but I also have a serious side. [author's note: this was my first drawing... I didn't think to start coloring in their faces until later.]
Beard 2: Spencer Pratt
His beard says: My beard is almost the same color as my skin. Why do I even have a beard? I probably suck.
Beard 3: Sayid Jarrah
His beard says: I keep my beard short in case I need to attack someone unexpectedly.
Beard 4: Rasputin
His beard says: Look how scarrrrry I am. I'm not even totally sure what my role in history was but I look terrifying!
Beard 5: Zeus
His beard says: I am the king of the gods! You can tell how powerful I am by how my beard blows in the breeze.
Beard 6: Peter Jackson
His beard says: Hello there! I'm very nonthreatening. I love to direct movies about hobbits. Would you care for a cup of tea?
Beard 7: Kimbo Slice
His beard says: I am going to kill you.
Beard 8: Joaquin Phoenix
His beard says: I look unkempt like Peter Jackson but where he seems mildly eccentric, I am just plain crazy! I'm liable to freak out at any moment.
Beard 9: My dad
His beard says: I'm conservative and I like to read books, but I also know some pretty good jokes.
Beard 10: George Clooney
His beard says: We shall let George's beard speak for itself. Can you hear it? Can you?
There are two things I know for sure about my relationship with my little sister Colleen. First, we are both nerds, and when we are together, the nerdiness is intensified. We masquerade as normal, but underneath our cool exteriors are a couple of ren-fest dorks just dying to get out. Second, 95% of our conversations will devolve into a back and forth of who can say the cruelest thing to the other. Colleen currently maintains winner status because of the time she casually said, "Dad told me he wishes you would commit suicide." Bitch. Below is a recent string of emails between my sister and myself. This will probably only make sense if you're familiar with the characters from LOST.
To: Colleen
From: Emmie
Subject: Names
What if we named all our kids after LOST characters? But we have to do it sneakily so our husbands won't find out. Just combine any of these names:
Austen
Jack
Benjamin
Carlyle
Boone
Sawyer
James
Charlie/Charles
Pace
Aaron
Jacob
Christian
Hurley
Desmond
Daniel
Kate
Juliette
Charlotte
Claire
Penelope/Penny
Eloise
Alexandra
Like how about a boy named Austen James? or a girl named Sawyer Charlotte?
To: Emmie
From: Colleen
Subject: Re: Names
Genius!!! Who's Carlyle? Ok I want Hurley Eloise and MIB. Just kidding. I want James Pace and Penny Christian(na). See what I did there? Our husbands will never know!
To: Colleen
From: Emmie
Subject: Re: Names
Carlyle is Boone's last name duh, not to mention it's very similar to Carlisle Cullen! [note: see what I mean about the dork thing? I'm not ashamed.] I want Sayid Reyes. And you can't have Penny because I am already using Penny. I just put it on there as an example. You could also do like DriveShaft Farraday. Or Eko Kate.
To: Emmie
From: Colleen
Subject: Re: Names
Hahahahhahaha heck yesssss Driveshaft! I want Oceanic 4 8 15 16 23 42. It's a modern name, I'll be like a celebrity. For a nickname we'll call her 4 8 (that's pronounced four space eight)
To: Colleen
From: Emmie
Subject: Re: Names
Or what about Vincent! Vincent Bernard. And Charlotte Rose. Isabella Alpert. Or Waaaaaalt Michael.
To: Emmie
From: Colleen
Subject: Re: Names
How about Nikki Paolo? Sam is dating a guy named Niles and I asked if I can call him Miles, She said (sayid) she calls him Miles in her head.
To: Colleen
From: Emmie
Subject: Re: Names
I know a guy named Miles, but I made the mistake of asking him if I could call him Smiles and now he doesn't like me anymore. Your baby will probably be named Keamy Widmore and it will kill people.
To: Emmie
From: Colleen
Subject: Re: Names
Oh yeah well your baby will be named Sun Juliette and she'll be the biggest bitch and everyone will hate her. My baby will be Jackate and everyone will love her. Your baby will be named Mothernature Momfromjuno and she'll shave her legs with string and your grandchildren will hate her so bad that they'll kill her. My baby will be named Ricardo and he'll ride horses.
To: Colleen
From: Emmie
Subject: Re: Names
Your point of reference for Allison Janney is that she was the mom in Juno? In that case, your baby's name will be Jacob's Ugly Mole and your other baby will be named Locke's Eye Scar and they will both be evil.
To: Emmie
From: Colleen
Subject: Re: Names
Hahahahahhaha crap!!! Jacob's Ugly Mole is a good one. I like Locke's Eye Scar -- he looks like Scar from the Lion King. Then your baby's name will be Rousseau's Jowls and she'll go into a coma and only speak with a French accent. Your other child will be named Hurley's Sideburns, and he'll be the king of everything. No, wait, that's my kid. Your kid is named Ana Lucia.
To: Colleen
From: Emmie
Subject: Re: Names
All my babies will be named Hurley's Curly Lockes (see what I did there?) and they will beat up your babies, and pour ranch dressing on them.
To: Emmie
From: Colleen
Subject: Re: Names
Will they be obese and get sent to mental institutions? OOOOOOOOH BURRRRN.
This conversation took place while I was writing the previous post about beards.
me: I can't think of Mr. Manson's first name. (note: I suppose I could have just called him Manson, but I like to be polite at all times, hence the formal salutation.) Matt:Who is Mr. Manson? Matt: The killer? me: Yeah Matt: It's Charles, why? me: I was trying to think of an untrustworthy person with a beard. Matt: Jesus me: Jesus is trustworthy, he died for our sins. Matt: Oh yeah. Matt: Does that make him trustworthy though? Matt: Why isn't Charles Manson trustworthy? me: Because he killed people. me: He might kill me. Matt: He is in jail for life and every time his parole comes up, he tells the parole board that he would do it again. Matt: That sounds pretty trustworthy to me. Matt: What about David Koresh? He wasn't trustworthy. Or Ted Kazinski, the unabomber. He had a beard. Matt: Why are you thinking about this anyway? me: I'm writing a blog about beards. Matt: Are you writing about my beard? Because it turns red when I'm in the sun. me: I'll mention that. Matt: Mention everything I said. me: Ok, but David Koresh didn't have a beard. Matt: He had stubble.
So, for the record: Matt's beard turns red in the sun.
After landing in Jamaica for our honeymoon, Matt and I boarded a bus to take us from the airport to the resort. There were about six other couples on the bus with us and every one had also gotten married the previous Saturday and had come to Jamaica for their honeymoon. In fact, I think I was the only girl on the bus that wasn't wearing a bedazzled "Bride" tank top. Who told them that was appropriate travel attire?
Anyway, during two separate occasions -- once at a shack on the side of the road (where the bus driver had stopped so we could buy overpriced Red Stripe), and once when we first got to the hotel -- Matt was the first person to be approached by authentic Jamaican drug dealers looking to sell pot to stupid American tourists. I couldn't understand why both guys singled Matt out as the guy to sell to; everyone on the bus was in their mid to late twenties (OK fine, we're 30, but we look really good), and everyone seemed ready for a good time. So why Matt first? Then it hit me: Matt was the only guy on the bus with a beard.
A few months ago I saw this chart, demonstrating the trustworthiness of beards. Ignoring the fact that it is a total rip-off of the Facial Hair Cool Spectrum(TM) that I invented over 5 years ago, I'd like to challenge the trustworthiness of the full beard. I mean sure, a full beard is always better than a Hitler mustache, but just because Jesus, Santa Claus and my dad (all good men) have full beards doesn't mean that every full beard = trustworthiness. Charles Manson? Not very trustworthy.
This isn't to say that Matt is untrustworthy of course -- but maybe trustworthiness isn't the first thing his beard connotes. Just because two bearded men are both trustworthy does not mean that their beards tell the same story. For example, Ulysses S. Grant and my husband could both be considered trustworthy (depending on who you ask, I suppose), but Ulysses' beard says "I defended the Union and later became president," while Matt's beard, at least according to half the population of Jamaica, says "I like to party!"
I'm going to create a new chart, titled "What Does Your Beard Say?" and it will be much more accurate than that stupid trustworthiness scale.
I love you, I really do, but we have got to have a chat about your videos. I just watched the new Alejandro video, and while it was very visually striking and somewhat entertaining, I have a tiny piece of advice for you, (and I am going to keep this very simple):
I'm Emmie and I write this blog. I like polka dots, small animals, and infomercials. I hate everything else. Bad jokes and get-rich-quick schemes can be sent to caffeineandcupcakes (at) gmail dot com.
