The Fattest Thing Ever

Everyone will surely agree that the best part of living in the greater Washington, DC metropolitan area is unlimited access to a tasty treasure known as "jumbo slice." Jumbo slice is basically shitty Brooklyn-style pizza, sliced so large that it must be served across not one, but two paper plates. It's a magical dream food for drunk people who love cheese and don't care about things like food quality or sanitation.

There are several establishments that serve this type of pizza in the Adams Morgan neighborhood of DC. Some people claim to prefer one pizza joint over others, but I don't really care enough to research the names of the various restaurants. I'm not even sure if "jumbo slice" is the name of a place, or if that's just what they serve. I mean seriously, no one goes there unless they are on the verge of blacking out, so I just refuse to believe that anyone knows the truth. Anyway, they all serve pizza, they all have neon lights, and they are all just a few steps away from whatever bar you stumbled out of. Don't get me wrong, I am not sitting on any high horses here. I have chowed down on more than my fair share of this greasy gift from the gods.

But today I learned a disturbing fact: each jumbo slice has 1,117 calories and 47 grams of fat. I don't know why this comes as a surprise to me. I guess I thought that food eaten while intoxicated has zero calories. If you can't remember eating it, you didn't eat it. But now that I know the ugly truth, I'll never be able to enjoy a slice again. I don't go to Adams Morgan that often... in fact I can't even remember the last time I was there (no really, I can't remember it), but the pizza is always the best part. And now it's ruined. Next thing you know, they'll tell me 7-11 nachos have calories too.