My New Religion, Or A Lesson In Not Abusing Pharmaceuticals

The other night, through a series of events that are far too complicated to explain here, I took an Ambien and instead of going to bed, I stayed awake and ended up creating a new religion. I guess there must have been some warnings on the label such as "go to bed after you take this" but who reads labels?

Anyway, my religion is based on the notion that a human being is actually a physical representation of the symbolism of the octopus. (I know that doesn't make any sense, but it sounded really deep at the time.) We are created by the female blue whale, and we are descendants of the "lesser whales," such as the narwhal and the orca. As I recall, the lesser whales are like saints and the blue whale is god.

And really, who can look at this guy and tell me he is not some sort of deity?

In my religion, we believe that humans have eight arms, like an octopus, but six of the arms are symbolic arms, so you can't see them. Duh. The two that you can see are known as Physical Arms, for obvious reasons. Behind you there are two more sets of arms; your Spiritual Arms and your Mental Arms. And in front of you are your Providential Arms, which help you tell the future.

That's about as far as I got before I passed out on a yoga mat. But luckily, I drew a picture and a chart that represents the religion. Because the actual illustrations are a) terrifying and b) illegible, I have recreated them for your amusement using MS Paint.

Click to enlarge


As far as I can tell, I added eyelashes, lipstick and high heels to the drawing of the octopus to show that it is a female octopus.

So I'm thinking that there might be some good money to be had in this cult thing, so if anyone wants to get in on the ground floor with this, let me know. Also, the religion needs a name, so please feel free to submit your suggestions.